Last night some friends and I played in the rain-soaked streets, splashing through every puddle between the courthouse and river. I wish it would rain tonight as it's always helped me sleep; not that'd I'd be able to hear it from where I'm sleeping tonight, which is the hospital.
I'm back in the sleep lab for the follow up study on my apnea. I actually got decent sleep when I was down there, which many of you know is a rarity for me. I have a new found appreciation for oxygen, as I tend to not get enough when I sleep and Of all the crazy things I do, and as insanely busy as my life is, I take the greatest risk everytime I go to sleep.
Every time I go to sleep, there's a chance I won't wake up due to sleep apnea. Perhaps that's why I've averaged 5 hours for the past three years. I'm due in for another test later on this month, they won't rig me up with as many crazy wires and sensors as they did last time, they're going to fit me for a CPAP, that will give a burst of air when my apneas occur.
In my last test I had 0ver 40 apneas where I stopped breathing. It wasn't so bad that they had to wake me up to rig the CPAP to me, nor was it so bad that I actually woke up. I've been doing what I can to minimize the risk when I sleep by sleeping on my side and drinking less beer and coffee and not exercising late at night. If left untreated I run a higher risk of stroke, heart attack, or just falling asleep at the wheel, or what have you.
My doctor told me there's no quick fixes here. This doesn't fix itself suddenly but over time and with a great deal of work on my part.
A Star Wars Joke would be too easy. Part of this work is my decision to complete a triathlon. I've given myself 8 weeks to train and am starting my third week. Its been intense, and a challenge. Just last week my dog Roxanne and I were sprinting up the terraces at SEMO after work after having swam 500 yards earlier that day.
On the drive over I found myself asking, "Why the hell am I going to do this?"
I certainly don't enjoy running, I never have. I thought of all the other people who I know don't work out regularly much less with the intensity that I do, and figured somehow at that moment they were much happier than I was going to be for the next hour or so.
I often have to play mind tricks with myself to get me to run, such as imagining I'm leading a group of survivors out of a burning building, or I'm being ordered to take a hill in the sound and fury of battle, or whatever scenarios my hyperactive imagination can invent. I've also started visualizing myself accomplishing the major life goals: such as going on tour with the record, having the books published, receiving my masters, the most recent one of standing at the altar waiting to get married. Such determination to live kept me at the hill. The realization that I was the only one sprinting terraces did help drive me upward.
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I ran into April, who was running herself, and she told me "I'm glad you can dominate those hills." I certainly didn't feel dominant as I drove my way up the hills battling gravity the entire time. Lifting my legs off the ground to propel myself up and out was a battle against gravity. The entire time, gravity kept pulling me back as I strove up and forward. On the way down, I still battled gravity. This time I was careful not to let it overwhelm me.
There is a personal gravity that I have to battle day in and day out. It's the gravity that keeps me in bed 5 minutes before I have to be at work. It's the gravity that keeps me on the couch rather than working out. It's the gravity that keeps me on youtube and facebook though I need to be writing. It's the gravity that keeps me from picking up the phone and booking concerts, or scheduling meetings with my clients. It's not until I focus that I can break out of Gravity's tyrannical grasp.
Three time UFC Middleweight World Champion Rich Franklin says this, "Breaking away from our everyday world requires us to expend extraordinary energy - to achieve lift off and create a new trajectory. When accomplished, we are free."
I have the tendency to put my head down as I sprint. It doesn't actually make me run faster, it only makes me think I'm working harder and is in fact slowing me down. I realize while I have my dad's work ethic, I also have some of his bad habits, as neither one of us believe in the 'work smarter, not harder.' But by keeping my head down restricts my air, bends my spine, both of which hinder running. Finishing my workout made me appreciate air all the more.
Last night before I met up with the friends, Roxanne and I went on our run. As I climbed up the longest hill, the setting sun was at my back, and as I reached the apex, I could see just beyond the trees the rising shadow of twilight spreading into the sky and above it the full moon hung like a newly minted coin. Suddenly the dryness in my throat was forgotten, the pounding of my lower limbs softened, the sweat no longer stung in my eyes and I just ran. The sky filled with dark clouds like a black tide and the rain fell upon us just as we made the turn at the first mile and headed back. IT was refreshing, invigorating.
I told myself, "I will live."
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