Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Epic and Intimate



"When you look at the world What is it that you see? People find all kinds of things That bring them to their knees I see an expression So clear and so true That changes the atmosphere When you walk into the room"
U2--When I Look at the World

I see a different world than most do. I'm not sure why that is. For example, I don't see the silver lining in clouds, and least not any more. There's always tarnish on the silver lining, so I've looked beyond them. The clouds I see the are the snow-clad untread summits of undiscovered mountains that dwarf Olympus Mons, and are waiting for me to conquer them. Or perhaps they hide new worlds full of wonder and treasure.




Francis Schaeffer once wrote,
"...I look at the world because I understand that reality does not exist only between birth and death. A personal God acting in history that goes on forever. Not only does God care for His people throughout all time, He can also express His love for them no matter where they are located."

I've written before that I am inspired by the drama of human conflict. Everything from the
great battles of history, to mixed martial arts, when I watch a battle, my attention is riveted to
the struggle. Part of me wants to be in the trenches, or in the cage. I believe we're wired to want
to be involved in an epic adventure, where masses of men clash against each other to determine
the fate of the world. I've always wanted to write a story about armies marching against each other
with the fate of mankind hanging in the balance, and still take time to tuck in the intimate moments
between two characters.

Such stories have been told before, and will be told again.

Such as My favorite game, Chrono Trigger. Here a group of displaced heroes transcend time and
space to deliver the world from a horrible, firey, destruction. I remember how excited I was when
I fought the Battle of Zenan Bridge against the army of the Demon King to give the legendary hero
a chance to reforge the Masamune and storm the Demon King's castle. And there are other sweeping
battles as well against such monstrous foes as a Tyrano, the Dragon Tank, a gang of robots, and others.

Yet the scene I always love to play through over and over, is the most tender, intimate moment in the game.

(Here there be a spoiler)


My favorite book, not called the Bible is Toliken's Silmarillion, the back story of the
Lord of the Rings, in particular the tale of Beren and Luthien. He is a rogue mortal human
from a fallen kingdom. She is an immortal elven princess, described as the most beautiful
of Illuvatar's creations. In order for them to be together, they challenge an impossible quest
that armies and heroes have tried for ages to do and have been crushed.

They are challenged to go into Morgoth's (who is more or less the satan of MiddleEarth) keep and cut a
jewel off of his crown. Beren knows he's doomed, and does not want Luthien to suffer his fate.
Luthien loves him so deeply, she forsakes her immortal destiny to share his doom with him.



Their struggle effects the entirety of MiddleEarth for the rest of the age and the ages to come. I suppose the reason why I'm constantly captivated and why I’ve always wanted to write a story that is both epic and intimate, is because I believe epic and intimate reflect God’s love and character.


In Creation, God revealed his power by the sheer epic scope of it all. I used to love to lose myself in the Blue Ridge Mountains.



Or the endless depths of space. I am addicted to the Astronomy Picture of the Day site, and love to spend hours on end rabbit trailing through the pictures of star clusters, nebulae, aurora, galaxies. supergiant clusters, and so much more that make me stop and pause.


If I were God, I'd be watching supernovae explode all day.


Even in the grand scope of creation, God's character was revealed when He created man
in His Image, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life and walked in the cool of
the day in the garden with him. Even more so when He fashioned woman from out of man.
This makes me all the more glad God is who He is, and I am who He has made me. How humbling is it that the God of the universe cares that much for me? The God who wrote history of the world, and has His hand upon every event is writing my personal history and has His hand upon me? The same God who raised the mountains, filled the oceans and fuels the stars walks beside me, not just now in this time, but to the very end of time and beyond.

The most epic battle I could write, or intimate moment does not compare to the stars and mountains.

Just a couple of months ago I drove back into town and saw the burning moon hung like a jewel in the night’s cloudy cloak that stood over the snow-dressed hills and thought, ‘How incredible.’ I’ve also come to appreciate and even long for the quiet moments between friends when the only thing that matters is the presence of what so dear, the intimacy. It’s made me realize how the love of God is both supremely epic and intimate. How God who created the universe and all it’s wonder, longs for those quiet moments with me, is nothing short of humbling. The battle fought for our lives and souls was nothing short of epic, and He fought it so we could have those quiet moments with us.

How can I not be enthralled? How can I not be moved? Even the most stirring epic with the tender moments folded in I could write is nothing but drabble compared to the beauty of the cross. There the epic power of God and the intimate love for His creation come together to paint the most vivid portrait and eloquent tale of love and grace imaginable

Dr. Schaeffer continues, As a person looks back to God’s actions in history, and makes this his own personal environment, then have a positive reaction in this existential moment as God’s child, he can raise his and personal confidence, this is the walk of the Christian. Why does the boy out hiking with his father reach out his hand when they come to a slippery place? He does it because in the past his father faithfully taken his hand as they have walked over the slippery trails together. This portrays the Christian walk with God and the portrait is beautiful.”


“ I raise my hand to my Father in personal relationship and then walk with Him hand in hand.”


Saturday, June 27, 2009

Unrecorded Songs


Distant

I know the deepest secret of
The Distant, waiting night.
The mystery of the endless depths
And their countless stars,

They are carrying you
carrying you
carrying you to me

I can see you in The Untread Horizon
of the Distant Earth.
As I journey on with my father's sword
And my mother's heart

I am searching for you
Searching for you
Searching for you

Somewhere in the Great Unknown
in the Half Light of Morning Haze
We will see, the colors unfold
At the Dawning of our days

You and I we will soar beyond
On to that distant shore
Where the shadows no longer bind
And fears they cannot find

To a world without end
World without end
World without end



Copywrite Aaron PICAR 2008


Monday, June 22, 2009

Few things...


Last night I walked amid the dazzling firefly trees in the sweltering evening. Tonight, I'm in the hospital.

More on that later.

It's been an eventful week, in fact all of my weeks are eventful. I've been wondering what it would be like to live a normal life. I find the thought of climbing the corporate ladder nothing short of mortifyingly boring. Miguel Angel Torres, World Extreme Cagefighting Bantamweight Champion of the World once said, "You can't be world class in anything and live a normal life."

I'd hardly consider myself a world class anything, but then again, I think the normal life is kinda like dark matter out in space, though I think we'll find dark matter before anyone finds the normal life.

Last week, I helped one of my clients/students look for a job. I've helped others pass classes, plan for their future, got ones lights turned on, and whatever other needs arise in growing up. There are few things that make one feel great than helping those who cannot help themselves. I've realized Im incredibly blessed that I've been able to make a living out of helping people. By helping others see their undiscovered potential, we come closer to fulfilling our own. And I say all this not to stroke myself on the back and say, "look how great I am," but I've come to realize I need a great deal of grace to do what I'm supposed to.

I have a client load of 50, and providing substantial services for each every single month is quite frankly impossible, especially as I was working three jobs for the better part of last semester. So the folks at the state have me under a lot of pressure to help my people out. Hopefully they'll get me help rather than take my people away.

On the way back from one of my work sites, I stopped by the Stars and Stripes Museum in Bloomfield, MO. The Stars and Stripes was started by a group of Union soldiers who happened work in the newspaper field, found an unused press and decided to publish a paper for the GIs.

It's still in print today.

(The Museum is behind the barn)

Few things will humble one than realizing the sacrifices that were made so we can enjoy the lives we have. My grandfather fought in World War II. He was a full bird colonel and they gave him a star when he retired. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have been in the Philippines after MacArthur surrendered and to have held out and fought until he fulfilled his promise to return.

I thought this photo was particularly profound


This was said by 2nd. Lt George Kenton Sisler in 1962, in his last recorded letter. He died shortly after and was posthumously awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. I am very grateful I don't have to experience what he or my grandfather experienced. My parents came over in 1970, and I don't know where there is another country in the world where one can create a new life like here in America.

I've often wondered in conversation why I was born in America in this age, and not somewhere else, in another time. As I watch the world, I'm constantly amazed by what goes on.

Today, here, we can gaze into the wonders of creation


This is the Hubble Deep Ultra Deep Field. It represents less than one billionth of the universe.

We can see this, yet at the same time, I was watching people half way around the world die on youtube not minutes after they were killed.

I've been following the Iranian Election and subsequent revolution. 70% of their population is under 30, and I'm receiving the news and images and videos of what's going on as fast, in some cases faster than the news media does. It's incredible how youtube, facebook, and twitter, which we use for entertainment, others are using for survival.




We bare witness history unfolding before us in it's unrelenting march. These people are fighting and dying for the rights so many here take for granted. I don't know if I have the courage my grandfather, Lt. Sisler, or these people do. I don't know if I could face the hardships my students have had to face.

I'm grateful I haven't had to.

I read in Iran the hospitals aren't safe. Many wounded revolutionaries are disappearing from the hospitals. I'm grateful I can sleep tonight in mine.

Tonight, I'm getting tested for sleep apnea. I'll be surprised if I don't have it.

The Bed

The Table
The sensors. Some of them.






Before


Can you guess where these go?




When I started this blog, things were at a professional and personal high for me, with me having released my CD as well as had the best jobs and made the most money I've made. Now, there's a lot of things that can happen that I have no control over. That's all right, it's not up to me.

As my friend Jon Black sings, "Maybe the future is not in my hands. Maybe, it won't go down just as I planned. But this whisper inside of me says, to life your head.

It all serves as a reminder, my security, significance, purpose, identity, are not found in my job title, or paycheck, or the time and place I'm living but in the sovereignty of God.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Running for My Life

I have diagnosed myself with Ambition Hyper-Productivity Disorder. It's kinda like ADHD, but well I actually get stuff done. I don't think there's a treatment out there. Maybe if I moved to Bollinger County into a trailer.

I was out running with Roxanne earlier today. We completed our first mile, and as I kicked in the past part of the trail, some guy saw me sprinting through the end and told me, "That's way too much work."

"I usually make it harder on myself." I wheezed in response. Then stammered something about wearing extra weight, or carrying the heavy bag, or something. I tend to do that with a lot of things, I think I picked up this habit from my dad, as that old, 'Work smarter, not harder.' mantra is one we don't abide by.

We stopped to hydrate and I deliberated or not whether to go that next two miles. I told myself, "Don't think about it, run." I was greeted by a stunning view of the dusk, where the sun threw up it's farewell flares like a retreating flame, painting the streaky clouds and sky like glowing embers and rising smoke. As we peaked the hill and turned downhill, the setting sun stained the wall cumulus that stood across the river cotton candy pink.

I enjoyed the view so much, I ran another mile.


I could think of every reason why I shouldn't run. My knees were sore, I inner quads were still stiff from a couple days before when I worked out my legs, I had worked out at an intense level every day since Saturday, and I hate running. When I told myself, "Don't think about it, run." my legs moved before I could come up with a counter argument. I've used various mental tricks to get me to run such as imagining myself leading survivors out of a burning building, or that I'm training to fight made up adversaries, to get me moving. Ultimately, when I thought of my overall goal, living longer, I felt myself breaking through a wall.

I saw past the constant pounding in my knees and ankles, or strain in my lungs, or the fact that I hate running, and finished. I saw past the momentary affliction to my joy of accomplishment. I rewarded myself with pounding the sledgehammer 200 times.

I always told Bob Howard when he said something incredibly cockamamie, "Are you listening to yourself?"
I realized, I need to listen to myself. Not that I'm some uberwise guru, or great sage or knowledge, but I do have good thoughts. And not they are particularly my thoughts, but as my Mentor Will Wyatt told us, "when we abide, when we render every thought captive, God gives us His thoughts as our own."

Earlier that day, I was counseling one of my students. He told me, he was used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted. That's how he ended up in juvenile detention, as living this way he never learned respect for authority and yelled at a judge.
I told him in life he has to do what's he needs to do in order to get to do what he wants to do.

One thing I hate about my job is scheduling. One thing I hate about music is booking. I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone. I realized if I see past the momentary annoyance of speaking on the phone, and see myself with my students or on stage, I can easily accomplish what I need to do, to get to do what I truly enjoy doing.

"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." II Corinthians 4:16-18


Monday, June 1, 2009

The Relentless March


I should be sleeping. I should be a lot of things that I'm not, but I won't go into that here. I find coffee + creativity = insomnia. I've been averaging about five hours of sleep per night for the past few years. About two years ago, I bottomed out at three. 

I should be sleeping rather than finishing up this trilogy of notes about Life at Mach Five. But life has other plans, as I find it rarely if ever goes the way I anticipate it will. I was hoping to start another productive week of work after the weekend of milestones, but again, life had other plans. 

This morning was my first physical examination since high school, and I've had nearly a perfect bill of health for most of my life. Sure, I weigh twenty pounds more than I'd like to, but I'm incredibly active and in good shape, as Roxanne and I did another three miles today. I've known that high blood pressure runs in the family, as it does with nearly 90% of men. 

What I also learned, that I could see coming is there is a strong possibility I have sleep apnea. This comes as no surprise as anyone who's ever roomed with me, hates to room with me. Alex once remarked I sound like a tornado, and his roommate at the time thought I was going to die in my sleep. 

The best description of my snoring came from Chris who told me one morning he dreamed a monster was chasing him, only to wake up from my shaking my bunk with my raucous snoring. 

If this is the case it would explain why I can't drop this last twenty pounds, (other than the fact I work a lot and haven't been able to settle into a normal workout routine for the past couple monthes), why my blood pressure was a little high, and why I can only get five hours of sleep. 

I'm not worried about losing my near perfect bill of health. Sleep apnea is very common and treatable, so I don't need to start a telethon. 

Aside from that, today was a pretty average busy day in the office, though I was greeted by the news that my awesome supervisor will be leaving us in a couple of weeks to take a job with the university. She's one of the best supervisors I've had and makes a potentially soul-draining, tedious job a joy to come into every morning, (or afternoon, depending on which other random job I happen to be working that semester.)

I believe the second hardest thing to find is a good fulfilling job in a good environment with good colleagues. I believe the hardest thing to find is a wife, but mind you I've put about as much effort into that as government has put into finding JFK's true killer. (It was Joe DiMaggio. He killed him in revenge over Marilyn Monroe.)

Over this eventful past few days, I've come to realize, life marches on at mach five, and there's no slowing it down. Three years ago, we were praying for my sister to have kids. Now we have six little feet running around the house and chasing our dogs. Someday they will meet our grandparents. And it is in the hecticness of life where the fleeting moments of synchronicity and peace that we find can find rest. 

My mentor, Will Wyatt loved to tell us we can try to take control of the circumstances of our lives, or give control the Author of Life. 

I wrote sometime ago about how we often have to sacrifice our relationships for personal growth, and we were never meant to pay the High Cost of Living, and though that is a great tragedy, the cost has already been paid.