I have diagnosed myself with Ambition Hyper-Productivity Disorder. It's kinda like ADHD, but well I actually get stuff done. I don't think there's a treatment out there. Maybe if I moved to Bollinger County into a trailer.
I was out running with Roxanne earlier today. We completed our first mile, and as I kicked in the past part of the trail, some guy saw me sprinting through the end and told me, "That's way too much work."
"I usually make it harder on myself." I wheezed in response. Then stammered something about wearing extra weight, or carrying the heavy bag, or something. I tend to do that with a lot of things, I think I picked up this habit from my dad, as that old, 'Work smarter, not harder.' mantra is one we don't abide by.
We stopped to hydrate and I deliberated or not whether to go that next two miles. I told myself, "Don't think about it, run." I was greeted by a stunning view of the dusk, where the sun threw up it's farewell flares like a retreating flame, painting the streaky clouds and sky like glowing embers and rising smoke. As we peaked the hill and turned downhill, the setting sun stained the wall cumulus that stood across the river cotton candy pink.
I enjoyed the view so much, I ran another mile.
I could think of every reason why I shouldn't run. My knees were sore, I inner quads were still stiff from a couple days before when I worked out my legs, I had worked out at an intense level every day since Saturday, and I hate running. When I told myself, "Don't think about it, run." my legs moved before I could come up with a counter argument. I've used various mental tricks to get me to run such as imagining myself leading survivors out of a burning building, or that I'm training to fight made up adversaries, to get me moving. Ultimately, when I thought of my overall goal, living longer, I felt myself breaking through a wall.
I saw past the constant pounding in my knees and ankles, or strain in my lungs, or the fact that I hate running, and finished. I saw past the momentary affliction to my joy of accomplishment. I rewarded myself with pounding the sledgehammer 200 times.
I always told Bob Howard when he said something incredibly cockamamie, "Are you listening to yourself?"
I realized, I need to listen to myself. Not that I'm some uberwise guru, or great sage or knowledge, but I do have good thoughts. And not they are particularly my thoughts, but as my Mentor Will Wyatt told us, "when we abide, when we render every thought captive, God gives us His thoughts as our own."
Earlier that day, I was counseling one of my students. He told me, he was used to doing what he wanted, when he wanted. That's how he ended up in juvenile detention, as living this way he never learned respect for authority and yelled at a judge.
I told him in life he has to do what's he needs to do in order to get to do what he wants to do.
One thing I hate about my job is scheduling. One thing I hate about music is booking. I have an irrational fear of talking on the phone. I realized if I see past the momentary annoyance of speaking on the phone, and see myself with my students or on stage, I can easily accomplish what I need to do, to get to do what I truly enjoy doing.
"Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day. For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal." II Corinthians 4:16-18
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