Determined to Live

Last night some friends and I played in the rain-soaked streets, splashing through every puddle between the courthouse and river. I wish it would rain tonight as it's always helped me sleep; not that'd I'd be able to hear it from where I'm sleeping tonight, which is the hospital.

I'm back in the sleep lab for the follow up study on my apnea. I actually got decent sleep when I was down there, which many of you know is a rarity for me. I have a new found appreciation for oxygen, as I tend to not get enough when I sleep and Of all the crazy things I do, and as insanely busy as my life is, I take the greatest risk everytime I go to sleep.

Every time I go to sleep, there's a chance I won't wake up due to sleep apnea. Perhaps that's why I've averaged 5 hours for the past three years. I'm due in for another test later on this month, they won't rig me up with as many crazy wires and sensors as they did last time, they're going to fit me for a CPAP, that will give a burst of air when my apneas occur.

In my last test I had 0ver 40 apneas where I stopped breathing. It wasn't so bad that they had to wake me up to rig the CPAP to me, nor was it so bad that I actually woke up. I've been doing what I can to minimize the risk when I sleep by sleeping on my side and drinking less beer and coffee and not exercising late at night. If left untreated I run a higher risk of stroke, heart attack, or just falling asleep at the wheel, or what have you.

My doctor told me there's no quick fixes here. This doesn't fix itself suddenly but over time and with a great deal of work on my part.





A Star Wars Joke would be too easy.


Part of this work is my decision to complete a triathlon. I've given myself 8 weeks to train and am starting my third week. Its been intense, and a challenge. Just last week my dog Roxanne and I were sprinting up the terraces at SEMO after work after having swam 500 yards earlier that day.

On the drive over I found myself asking, "Why the hell am I going to do this?"

I certainly don't enjoy running, I never have. I thought of all the other people who I know don't work out regularly much less with the intensity that I do, and figured somehow at that moment they were much happier than I was going to be for the next hour or so.

I often have to play mind tricks with myself to get me to run, such as imagining I'm leading a group of survivors out of a burning building, or I'm being ordered to take a hill in the sound and fury of battle, or whatever scenarios my hyperactive imagination can invent. I've also started visualizing myself accomplishing the major life goals: such as going on tour with the record, having the books published, receiving my masters, the most recent one of standing at the altar waiting to get married. Such determination to live kept me at the hill. The realization that I was the only one sprinting terraces did help drive me upward.
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I ran into April, who was running herself, and she told me "I'm glad you can dominate those hills." I certainly didn't feel dominant as I drove my way up the hills battling gravity the entire time. Lifting my legs off the ground to propel myself up and out was a battle against gravity. The entire time, gravity kept pulling me back as I strove up and forward. On the way down, I still battled gravity. This time I was careful not to let it overwhelm me.

There is a personal gravity that I have to battle day in and day out. It's the gravity that keeps me in bed 5 minutes before I have to be at work. It's the gravity that keeps me on the couch rather than working out. It's the gravity that keeps me on youtube and facebook though I need to be writing. It's the gravity that keeps me from picking up the phone and booking concerts, or scheduling meetings with my clients. It's not until I focus that I can break out of Gravity's tyrannical grasp.

Three time UFC Middleweight World Champion Rich Franklin says this, "Breaking away from our everyday world requires us to expend extraordinary energy - to achieve lift off and create a new trajectory. When accomplished, we are free."

I have the tendency to put my head down as I sprint. It doesn't actually make me run faster, it only makes me think I'm working harder and is in fact slowing me down. I realize while I have my dad's work ethic, I also have some of his bad habits, as neither one of us believe in the 'work smarter, not harder.' But by keeping my head down restricts my air, bends my spine, both of which hinder running. Finishing my workout made me appreciate air all the more.

Last night before I met up with the friends, Roxanne and I went on our run. As I climbed up the longest hill, the setting sun was at my back, and as I reached the apex, I could see just beyond the trees the rising shadow of twilight spreading into the sky and above it the full moon hung like a newly minted coin. Suddenly the dryness in my throat was forgotten, the pounding of my lower limbs softened, the sweat no longer stung in my eyes and I just ran. The sky filled with dark clouds like a black tide and the rain fell upon us just as we made the turn at the first mile and headed back. IT was refreshing, invigorating.

I told myself, "I will live."

Few things...

Last night I walked amid the dazzling firefly trees in the sweltering evening. Tonight, I'm in the hospital.

More on that later.

It's been an eventful week, in fact all of my weeks are eventful. I've been wondering what it would be like to live a normal life. I find the thought of climbing the corporate ladder nothing short of mortifyingly boring. Miguel Angel Torres, World Extreme Cagefighting Bantamweight Champion of the World once said, "You can't be world class in anything and live a normal life."

I'd hardly consider myself a world class anything, but then again, I think the normal life is kinda like dark matter out in space, though I think we'll find dark matter before anyone finds the normal life.

Last week, I helped one of my clients/students look for a job. I've helped others pass classes, plan for their future, got ones lights turned on, and whatever other needs arise in growing up. There are few things that make one feel great than helping those who cannot help themselves. I've realized Im incredibly blessed that I've been able to make a living out of helping people. By helping others see their undiscovered potential, we come closer to fulfilling our own. And I say all this not to stroke myself on the back and say, "look how great I am," but I've come to realize I need a great deal of grace to do what I'm supposed to.

I have a client load of 50, and providing substantial services for each every single month is quite frankly impossible, especially as I was working three jobs for the better part of last semester. So the folks at the state have me under a lot of pressure to help my people out. Hopefully they'll get me help rather than take my people away.

On the way back from one of my work sites, I stopped by the Stars and Stripes Museum in Bloomfield, MO. The Stars and Stripes was started by a group of Union soldiers who happened work in the newspaper field, found an unused press and decided to publish a paper for the GIs.

It's still in print today.

(The Museum is behind the barn)

Few things will humble one than realizing the sacrifices that were made so we can enjoy the lives we have. My grandfather fought in World War II. He was a full bird colonel and they gave him a star when he retired. I can't imagine what it would have been like to have been in the Philippines after MacArthur surrendered and to have held out and fought until he fulfilled his promise to return.

I thought this photo was particularly profound

This was said by 2nd. Lt George Kenton Sisler in 1962, in his last recorded letter. He died shortly after and was posthumously awarded the Congressional Medal of Honor. I am very grateful I don't have to experience what he or my grandfather experienced. My parents came over in 1970, and I don't know where there is another country in the world where one can create a new life like here in America.

I've often wondered in conversation why I was born in America in this age, and not somewhere else, in another time. As I watch the world, I'm constantly amazed by what goes on.

Today, here, we can gaze into the wonders of creation

This is the Hubble Deep Ultra Deep Field. It represents less than one billionth of the universe.

We can see this, yet at the same time, I was watching people half way around the world die on youtube not minutes after they were killed.

I've been following the Iranian Election and subsequent revolution. 70% of their population is under 30, and I'm receiving the news and images and videos of what's going on as fast, in some cases faster than the news media does. It's incredible how youtube, facebook, and twitter, which we use for entertainment, others are using for survival.

We bare witness history unfolding before us in it's unrelenting march. These people are fighting and dying for the rights so many here take for granted. I don't know if I have the courage my grandfather, Lt. Sisler, or these people do. I don't know if I could face the hardships my students have had to face.

I'm grateful I haven't had to.

I read in Iran the hospitals aren't safe. Many wounded revolutionaries are disappearing from the hospitals. I'm grateful I can sleep tonight in mine.

Tonight, I'm getting tested for sleep apnea. I'll be surprised if I don't have it.

The Bed

The Table

The sensors. Some of them.

Before

Can you guess where these go?

When I started this blog, things were at a professional and personal high for me, with me having released my CD as well as had the best jobs and made the most money I've made. Now, there's a lot of things that can happen that I have no control over. That's all right, it's not up to me.

As my friend Jon Black sings, "Maybe the future is not in my hands. Maybe, it won't go down just as I planned. But this whisper inside of me says, to life your head.

It all serves as a reminder, my security, significance, purpose, identity, are not found in my job title, or paycheck, or the time and place I'm living but in the sovereignty of God.